Friday, July 27, 2012

The Alpha Brain Trials

I'm sure you've seen the product advertised all over the internet. In fact, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if there was already a GoogleAd spot for them already on this page. But here's a shot of an image that I'm sure looks all too familiar to you.

In an ongoing effort to help control my anxiety without the help of SSRI's, while albeit helpful, are stigmatized with nasty and undesirable side effects (I won't even go into the horrible withdrawal symptoms that are denied by the medical field in order to save their reputation) I decided to take aim at something that is essentially all-natural. AlphaBrain, in theory, is the perfect concoction of amino acids, extracts and herbs that create the perfect nootropic. The desired effects are boosts in memory, cogitation, focus, awareness, creativity and an all-around improved sense of self.

So my girlfriend and I dished out the money (they're NOT cheap) for a 90 count bottle of AlphaBrain and another Onnit Labs brainchild called New Mood which is intended to promote healthy, natural sleep and lucid dreaming. I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, even if that gain was nothing more than easing my overwhelming and almost child-like sense of curiosity. The company also abides to a 100% money back guarantee. 

Here, I will make every effort to document the effects of both Alpha Brain (2 pills morning/late afternoon) and New Mood (2 pills every night) and give a fair and unbiased opinion of its effects. I will not be benefiting from ad revenue (this maybe the last corner of the internet that isn't benefiting from Onnit Lab ad revenue) and I shall my every effort to distinguish what is reality from placebo.

AlphaBrain, here I come.

Day 1: I took 2 AlphaBrain pills late this morning with the recommended small meal. I chose toast and peanut butter. My mood was good all day. More talkative than usual, but it's still too early to tell if the nootropics have affected my mood in anyway. About an hour ago (11:30 pm) I took 2 New Mood pills. I'm getting a little sleepy but there's no way of knowing about the lucidity of my dreams until I get some sleep (obviously). More to come tomorrow. For now, I should attempt some sleep as I need to be back to work in the morning. 

Day 2: Pulled off a great feat of memory at work. Related to AlphaBrain? Still too early to tell in my opinion. Ended up drinking 4 Samuel Adams, which is a lot for me anymore, before bed along with the New Mood. Dreamt vividly which is a rarity if I've been consuming alcohol before I fall asleep. 

Day 3: Self-admittedly, not a good day for an update. Mostly because I'm in the process of starving myself for a colonoscopy tomorrow. The only thing I've put in my body today are 2 pills of AlphaBrain, 1 cup of coffee, a bottle of Gatorade and water. So my mood is foul to begin with. However, I was coloring in my girlfriend's daughter's coloring book (I'm a nerd) and I noticed my ability to focus on the colors was different. I can't really explain the feeling. Maybe this focus will continue to incline and on a day where I'm not in such a terrible mood I can be more descriptive. Also note, due to having to starve myself I won't be able to take the New Mood tonight. 

Day 4: Just finished with said colonoscopy a few hours ago. Still feeling drowsy from the Propofol that was administered. Took 2 AlphaBrain after the procedure. I'll possibly take the New Mood depending on how drowsy I feel later. Regardless, it's another not-so-good day for an update.

Day 5: First off, I'm ditching the New Mood. It seems to be having an adverse effect on me. Nothing bad, but it's making me somewhat restless when it's supposed to be having a serene, calming effect. I'm going to revert back to Melatonin for rest. They suited me perfectly. As for the AlphaBrain, I can feel my focus getting sharper. I still haven't been put to any real test yet. I'd like to be taken out of my daily comfort zone. I have noticed that my temptation to quit smoking is getting stronger. I think this weekend I'll make a concerted effort towards nicotine cessation. 

Day 6: Still chuggin' along. And I swear my memory is getting better. 

Day 7: Gaining more and more energy each day. And not nervous, jittery anxiety-ridden energy like I used to have. It's more of a focused energy. A feel good energy. Also, I dreamt very lucid last night and I'm curious to see if this effects memory or other elements of my psyche throughout the day.

Day 8: I doubt too many people have been following. If any. So I'll cut this all short. I do recommend AlphaBrain. A lot. As for New Mood, maybe I'll give it another try in the near future. And maybe I'll update once again in a month or so. Adios.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Department of Incorrections

We live in the most unique of times. Unprecedented? Perhaps not. But we live in a time period in which ideas flow from person to person at the speed of light. Thoughts are energy that travel through the universe and can never be stopped and can never be undone. What makes the 21st century a unique period in history is the paradox that I call the war on thought. Thoughts lead to ideas which soon spawn actions. The powers that be are still hellbent on controlling thoughts but what they fail to learn, or even attempt to understand, is that you cannot stop an idea. The politicians, corporations, police, all fail to understand that simple philosophy. In their pathetic and futile attempt to maintain order, it's still social policy to squander ideas by incarcerating the individual. Temporary cessation of action doesn't unwrite the manifesto. This is why you cannot and will not win a war on hacktivism or a war on drugs. The ideas have already been birthed. They cannot be stopped. They cannot be squashed. You would assume the most educated of people would be able to comprehend this, but alas, the concept seems to elude them. 

Now I go for a walk. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Official 2012 Death Pool Picks

Official Rules:

1. You are allowed up to 25 picks. 
2. Scoring is based on an age system. 100 minus the age of the celebrity when they decease. If the celebrity is 99+ years of age 1 point will be rewarded.
3. A bonus 15 points will be rewarded if a pick dies of from an overdose.
5. A bonus 25 points will be rewarded if a pick is affiliated with the Church of Scientology.
6. You are not allowed to participate in the death of a pick. If you do, you will be disqualified and hopefully incarcerated.
7. You cannot choose someone who is currently on death row.
8. Contest will begin at 12:00 AM (EST) on February 1, 2012 and will end 11:59 AM (EST) on January 31, 2013

Chris Wadsworth:
1. Zsa Zsa Gabor
2. Jerry Lewis
3. Glenn Beck
4. Macaulay Culkin
5. Tonya Harding
6. Neil Armstrong
7. Lance Armstrong
8. Steven Tyler
9. Mick Mars
10. Ricki Lake
11. Steve Buscemi
12. Andy Griffith
13. John Goodman
14. Ross Perot
15. Jack Nicholson
16. Hugh Hefner
17. Nancy Grace
18. Cher
19. Dave Matthews
20. Ron Jeremy
21. George H.W. Bush
22. Ted Koppel
23. Nancy Reagan
24. Kirk Douglas
25. Nelson Mandella

Amanda Avery:
1. Queen Elizabeth II
2. Zsa Zsa Gabor
3. Dick Clark
4. Bob Barker
5. Ernest Borgnine
6. Aretha Franklin
7. Billy Graham
8. Michael J. Fox
9. Heidi Fleiss
10. Stephen Hawking
11. Christopher Lee
12. Bobby Heenan
13. Brian Wilson
14. Kris Kristofferson
15. Loretta Lynn
16. George Jones
17. Jimmy Carter
18. Criss Angel
19. Lada Gaga
20. Pete Doherty
21. Kirk Douglas
22. Fidel Castro
23. Muhammad Ali
24. Charlie Sheen
25. Sophia Loren

Cindy Zimmerman:
1. Shirley Temple-Black
2. Lauren Bacall
3. Joanie "Chyna" Lauer
4. Phyllis Diller
5. Debbie Reynolds
6. Whitney Houston
7. Mel Gibson
8. Queen Elizabeth II
9. Maya Angelou
10. Gene Hackman
11. Zsa Zsa Gabor
12. Don Rickles
13. Buzz Aldrin
14. Ozzy Osbourne
15. Bob Barker
16. Kirk Douglas
17. Nelson Mandella
18. Pete Doherty
19. DMX
20. Fidel Castro
21. Stephen Hawking
22. Hulk Hogan
23. Priscilla Presley
24. Nicole Richie
25. Karen Black

Ashley Avery:
1. Ozzy Osbourne
2. Zsa Zsa Gabor
3. Bob Barker
4. Adele
5. Rick Flair
6. Dennis Rodman
7. Queen Elizabeth II
8. Michael J. Fox
9. Hank Williams III
10. Lindsey Lohan
11. Casey Anthony
12. Tommy Lee
13. Charles Manson
14. Macaulay Culkin
15. Axl Rose
16. Mary-Kate Olsen
17. Cledus T. Judd
18. Dick Cheney
19. Lil' Wayne
20. Courtney Love
21. Sally Jesse Raphael
22. Prince
23. Magic Johnson
24. Don Vito
25. George Jones

Justin Perkins:
1. Merle Haggard
2. Jimmy Dickens
3. Hugh Hefner
4. Willie Nelson
5. George H.W. Bush
6. Glenn Campbell
7. Ozzy Osbourne
8. Dolly Parton
9. Hank Williams, Jr.
10. Juan Pablo Montoyo
11. John Force
12. Barbara Walters
13. Tom Brokaw
14. Paul Teutel, Sr.
15. Kenny Rogers
16. Alice Cooper
17. Regis Philbin
18. Dr. Phil McGraw
19. Judge Joe Brown
20. Randy Jackson
21. John McCain
22. Travis Tritt

Amy Cereo:
1. George H.W. Bush
2. Fidel Castro
3. Lindsay Lohan
4. Bret Michaels
5. Zsa Zsa Gabor
6. Hugh Hefner
7. Bobby Brown
8. Dick Van Dyke
9. David Letterman
10. Bob Barker
11. Mel Brooks
12. Robert Redford
13. Michael Moore
14. Dustin Diamond
15. Robert Duvall
16. Dolly Parton
17. Michael J. Fox
18. Jimmy Carter
19. James Earl Jones
20. Eli Wallach
21. Margaret Thatcher
22. Roger Ebert
23. Christopher Plummer
24. Michael Gambon
25. Chuck Berry

Leanne Arnold:
1. Lindsay Lohan
2. Larry King
3. Stephen Hawking
4. Betty White
5. Queen Elizabeth II
6. Hugh Hefner
7. Bob Barker
8. Charlie Sheen
9. Britney Spears
10. Snooki
11. Barack Obama
12. William Shatner
13. Robin Williams
14. Chuck Norris
15. Jewel
16. Steven Tyler
17. Danny DeVito

Jennifer Romito:
1. Betty White
2. Christopher Plummer
3. Dick Clark
4. Michael J. Fox
5. Wilford Brimley
6. Bob Barker
7. George H.W. Bush
8. Queen Elizabeth II
9. Zsa Zsa Gabor
10. Maggie Smith
11. Mickey Rooney
12. Ian McKellan
13. Lou Reed
14. Iggy Pop
15. Billy Graham
16. Kirk Douglas
17. John Astin
18. Keith Richards
19. Nelson Mandella
20. Jimmy Carter
21. Anthony Hopkins
22. Christopher Lee
23. Lindsay Lohan
24. Nancy Reagan
25. Cloris Leachman

James Vinsonhaler:
1. Abe Vigoda
2. Zsa Zsa Gabor
3. Muhammad Ali
4. Wilford Brimley
5. Dick Clark
6. Kim Novak
7. Queen Elizabeth II
8. Dick Cheney
9. Sumner Redstone
10. Kirk Douglas
11. Fidel Castro
12. Leif Garrett
13. Jason Davis
14. Demi Moore
15. Courtney Love
16. Stephen Hawking
17. Gene Hackman
18. Geoffrey Lewis
19. Karen Black
20. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
21. Heidi Fleiss
22. Erich Priebke
23. Abdelbaset al-Megrahi
24. Prince Philip
25. Ayman al-Zawahiri

Monday, January 31, 2011

Official 2011 Death Pool Picks

The time has come.  And if time is up for some of these celebrities, you win!  Here's the official picks of the sociopaths who decided to participate in the Celebrity Death Pool 2011.

Official Rules:
1) The contest beings 12:00 AM (EST) February 1, 2011 and will end 11:59 PM (EST) on February 1, 2012.

2) No one is/was allowed to choose someone who is on death row or awaiting execution.

3) If someone has participated in the death of a celebrity they have chosen, they will be disqualified (and hopefully incarcerated, it's only a game).

4) Scoring works on an age based system.  Points are tallied as 100 subtracted by the age of the celebrity at death. If the celebrity is 99+ years of age 1 point will be given.

James Vinsonhaler:
1. Mel Gibson
2. Abe Vigoda
3. Zsa Zsa Gabor
4. Andy Griffith
5. Scott Weiland
6. Wilford Brimley
7. Muhammad Ali
8. Dick Clark
9. Kim Jung-Il
10. Kim Novak
11. Queen Elizabeth II
12. Dick Cheney
13. Jimmy Carter
14. Sumner Redstone
15. Kirk Douglas

Tiffany Bailey:
1. Amy Winehouse
2. Pete Doherty
3. Gary Busey
4. DMX
5. Seth "Shifty" Binzer
6. Scott Weiland
7. Heidi Fleiss
8. Brett Michaels
9. Vern Troyer
10. Christian Bale
11. Johnny Rotten
12. Lou Reed
13. Tommy Lee
14. Joaquin Phoenix
15. Jason Davis

Amanda Avery:
1. Elizabeth Taylor
2. Dick Clark
3. Christopher Lee
4. Kris Kristofferson
5. Betty White
6. Amy Winehouse
7. Aretha Franklin
8. Gary Busey
9. Michael J. Fox
10. Bob Barker
11. Larry King
12. Doris Roberts
13. George H.W. Bush
14. Jimmy Carter
15. Jerry Stiller

Joy Kuszmar:
1. Jack Nicholson
2. Zsa Zsa Gabor
3. Bob Barker
4. Sarah Palin
5. Tony Martin
6. Kirk Douglas
7. Phyllis Diller
8. Billy Graham
9. Steven Hawking
10. Tara Reid
11. Mary Kate Olsen
12. Michael Douglas
13. Amy Winehouse
14. Whitney Houston
15. Courtney Love

Elizabeth Cuffari:
1. Etta James
2. Margaret Thatcher
3. Dick Cheney
4. Ozzy Osbourne
5. Mother Angelica
6. Michael Douglas
7. Kirk Douglas
8. Zsa Zsa Gabor
9. Aretha Franklin
10. Elizabeth Taylor
11. Lindsay Lohan
12. Scott Weiland
13. Mel Gibson
14. Dick Clark
15. Steve Jobs

Ashley Clark:
1. Betty White
2. Dick Clark
3. Aretha Franklin
4. Zsa Zsa Gabor
5. Kirk Douglas
6. Jake LaMotta
7. Bob Dole
8. Elizabeth Taylor
9. Nancy Reagan
10. Clive Dunn
11. Andy Rooney
12. Gary Busey
13. Joan Rivers
14. Clint Eastwood
15. Willie Nelson

Nakeia Enders:
1. Frank Valli
2. Nancy Sinatra
3. Gary Busey
4. Kirk Douglas
5. Clint Eastwood
6. Gene Hackman
7. Jerry Lewis
8. Jack Nicholson
9. Robert Redford
10. Mickey Rooney
11. Zsa Zsa Gabor
12. Elizabeth Taylor
13. Rip Torn
14. Gene Wilder
15. Sarah Palin

Kyndra Granillo:
1. Elizabeth Taylor
2. Andy Rooney
3. Charlie Sheen
4. Fidel Castro
5. Willie Nelson
6. Bob Barker
7. Betty White
8 Aretha Franklin
9. Betty Ford
10. Bob Dole
11. Charles Manson
12. Ron White
13. Amy Winehouse
14. Hugh Hefner
15. Andy Griffith

Michele Bolia:
1. Margaret Thatcher
2. Jerry Lewis
3. Kim Jung-Il
4. Charlie Sheen
5. Zsa Zsa Gabor
6. Etta James
7. Steve Jobs
8. Lindsay Lohan
9. Penny Marshall
10. Bob Barker
11. Aretha Franklin
12. Elizabeth Taylor
13. Hugh Hefner
14. Kirk Douglas
15. Betty White

Cassandra Zavodny:
1. Regis Philbin
2. Etta James
3. Charlie Sheen
4. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Friday, December 17, 2010

Top 10 things you shouldn't have given a shit about in 2010 (pt. 2)

5. The World Cup
The soccer craze of the summer came and went.  And if there’s one thing we all learned it’s that America already has “football.” It’s called the NFL and it’s way cooler.  I don’t care how aesthetically pleasing Europe says soccer is, I’d rather watch Drew Brees hit Marques Colston over the middle for a 25 yard gain than sit around for 3 hours to watch Landon Donovon score one goal anyday.  However, I did discover that the “swarm of angry bees” sound that the vuvuzelas produced sounded cool as fuck when you’re high as giraffe’s pussy on Nitrous Oxide.

4. Park 51 a.k.a The Mosque at Ground Zero
It’s a trick argument from the start.  Is it offensive to build a Muslim place of worship that close to Ground Zero considering the attacks on the World Trade Center were perpetrated by people of the Islamic faith?  Is it offensive and morally wrong to Muslims to not let them exercise their constitutional right to freedom of religion?  The answer to both questions: who gives a shit?  Here’s what I do know about 9/11, religion started it.  Whose religion?  All of them.  It’s all these stupid fucking religions that start all this shit.  And not just 9/11, but about 90% of all conflict worldwide. It’s just as offensive to build a Temple or another huge Catholic church with really high ceilings a few blocks from Ground Zero as it is building any Mosque.  This species will never move forward until we do away with all religion.  Let’s move forward into 2011 by not pretending that freedom of religion isn’t just some loophole in the Constitution that grants people the right to be retarded.

It would've looked cool at least.

3. Jersey Shore
A cultural phenomenon of epic proportions.  It gave us a whole new lexicon of slang.  For instance, when you want to get laid you say, “I want smoosh smoosh.” If you’re telling your buddy you have an open sore on your penis you say, “hey bro. I have a Situation on my cock. There appears to be a huge Snooki right below my foreskin.” Abreva and Jager never smelled so sweet as MTV paid these low-class assholes $45,000 per episode to further sink SAT scores across America.  The Situation even got a gig producing his own work-out video that overtly bronzed single moms across the country will blow precious child support money on to masturbate to.  Melanoma will not happen soon enough to the cast nor their fans.

2. Justin Bieber
In 2010 he brilliantly thought a thought and wrote that he “felt like the Kurt Cobain of his generation.”  The obvious punch line to that joke is, “Kurt Cobain felt like the Justin Bieber of his generation and that’s why he shot himself.” All we can hope for is that this turd does kill himself, preferably on television (fingers crossed) so that his MILF of a mom will resort to some swanky amateur porn to replace the cash cow that was her not-so-out-of-the-closet teen idol of a son.  There’s nothing like watching the prepubescent girls of America getting their first pair of soaked panties over a kid who doesn’t know what “German” means.  Seriously, he doesn’t know what “German” means.

and the number 1 thing you shouldn't have given a shit about in 2010 is. . .

The Tea Party
As a self-proclaimed Libertarian, I cannot help but sympathize with their plight.  They have put the “retard” in “hey, did you see that group of uneducated, irrational, illogical, uptight redneck retards dressed up like Benjamin Franklin and holding up signs in Washington, D.C.?”  When they’re not comparing the first black President of the United States (who has spent his first two years in office passing reform to close loopholes that give corporations almost every right to fuck over consumers) to Hitler (a madman and dictator solely responsible for the senseless murders of over 6 million people) they’re giving gravity less work by stuffing their fat faces while shooting their guns and proclaiming that everything that is great about America is that you’re allowed to be a disgusting glutton not like the world has ever seen.  They are everything that is wrong with this country and we all know it to be true.  They are the brainchildren (for lack of a better word) of FoxNews.  They are walking contradictions, making false statements that they can’t back up with any factual source.  They are the reason that not only should we keep abortion legal in the Midwest, but mandatory.



Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Top 10 things you shouldn't have given a shit about in 2010

10. Fred Figglehorn
Irritating? Check. Obnoxious? Check.  YouTube sensation? Check.  Fred is a fictitious 6 year old conjured up by the brilliant comedic mind of Lucas Cruikshank.  I’m not sure why he is famous or how this character and these webisodes became popular, but I can assure you this is the reason why you believe your 10 year old has ADD.  And if you’re over the age of 18, I double dare you to watch this video on repeat 5 times with a loaded gun in your hand.

9. Lee DeWyze
Congratulations! You won the last season of American Idol before the show officially jumps the shark. Now that Simon Cowell has hung up his jersey from dismantling and insulting the worst karaoke singers in the world, I’d expect American Idol to crash faster than the reception on your iPhone. But Lee DeWyze is the story of a triumphant, extremely good looking middle-upper class white male who proves that anyone can succeed in America if they put their mind to it.

Better him than that snaggle-toothed Crystal anyway.

8. Salvia
It did for the drug culture what AIDS did for the dating scene.  Legal drugs are legal for a reason.  They’re typically not that good.  But if there’s one spiritual thing Salvia taught me, it’s how idiotic the youth of America is for videotaping their retarded behavior and posting it on YouTube.  Not only does it give drugs a bad name, but people need to start learning that for every good YouTube video, 1000 great stories never happened because someone stuck a camera in the participant's face.

7. LeBron James
Never in the history of professional sports has someone taken out a half hour spot on national television to make an announcement as to where they were going to play the following season.  One man of pretentious character broke the rules and did just that. With his reputation and legacy on the line he made the brave move of turning down a few million dollars to go play with his buddies in Miami to chase the NBA championship (that the Lakers will win).  Poor Cleveland was left in utter devastation, as the city finally realized and came to terms with the fact they had nothing left to live for.

6. Bullying
I’m not for it.  But since when did it become something so out of the ordinary that every talk show in America made it part of their agenda?  Kids get bullied in school and it’s been that way since the public school system was established.  All these kids really need to know are that the ones called “fags” and “dorks” go on to do great things with their lives and the insecure douchebags who do all the bullying usually end up bouncing at titty bars and living in a trailer park.  I guess I’m just saying that I miss the way my generation dealt with bullying, by showing up to first period armed to the teeth.  I bet no kid has been called a fag at Columbine in the last decade.