The soccer craze of the summer came and went. And if there’s one thing we all learned it’s that America already has “football.” It’s called the NFL and it’s way cooler. I don’t care how aesthetically pleasing Europe says soccer is, I’d rather watch Drew Brees hit Marques Colston over the middle for a 25 yard gain than sit around for 3 hours to watch Landon Donovon score one goal anyday. However, I did discover that the “swarm of angry bees” sound that the vuvuzelas produced sounded cool as fuck when you’re high as giraffe’s pussy on Nitrous Oxide.
4. Park 51 a.k.a The Mosque at Ground Zero
It’s a trick argument from the start. Is it offensive to build a Muslim place of worship that close to Ground Zero considering the attacks on the World Trade Center were perpetrated by people of the Islamic faith? Is it offensive and morally wrong to Muslims to not let them exercise their constitutional right to freedom of religion? The answer to both questions: who gives a shit? Here’s what I do know about 9/11, religion started it. Whose religion? All of them. It’s all these stupid fucking religions that start all this shit. And not just 9/11, but about 90% of all conflict worldwide. It’s just as offensive to build a Temple or another huge Catholic church with really high ceilings a few blocks from Ground Zero as it is building any Mosque. This species will never move forward until we do away with all religion. Let’s move forward into 2011 by not pretending that freedom of religion isn’t just some loophole in the Constitution that grants people the right to be retarded.
It would've looked cool at least.
3. Jersey Shore
A cultural phenomenon of epic proportions. It gave us a whole new lexicon of slang. For instance, when you want to get laid you say, “I want smoosh smoosh.” If you’re telling your buddy you have an open sore on your penis you say, “hey bro. I have a Situation on my cock. There appears to be a huge Snooki right below my foreskin.” Abreva and Jager never smelled so sweet as MTV paid these low-class assholes $45,000 per episode to further sink SAT scores across America. The Situation even got a gig producing his own work-out video that overtly bronzed single moms across the country will blow precious child support money on to masturbate to. Melanoma will not happen soon enough to the cast nor their fans.
2. Justin Bieber
In 2010 he brilliantly thought a thought and wrote that he “felt like the Kurt Cobain of his generation.” The obvious punch line to that joke is, “Kurt Cobain felt like the Justin Bieber of his generation and that’s why he shot himself.” All we can hope for is that this turd does kill himself, preferably on television (fingers crossed) so that his MILF of a mom will resort to some swanky amateur porn to replace the cash cow that was her not-so-out-of-the-closet teen idol of a son. There’s nothing like watching the prepubescent girls of America getting their first pair of soaked panties over a kid who doesn’t know what “German” means. Seriously, he doesn’t know what “German” means.
and the number 1 thing you shouldn't have given a shit about in 2010 is. . .
The Tea Party
As a self-proclaimed Libertarian, I cannot help but sympathize with their plight. They have put the “retard” in “hey, did you see that group of uneducated, irrational, illogical, uptight redneck retards dressed up like Benjamin Franklin and holding up signs in Washington, D.C.?” When they’re not comparing the first black President of the United States (who has spent his first two years in office passing reform to close loopholes that give corporations almost every right to fuck over consumers) to Hitler (a madman and dictator solely responsible for the senseless murders of over 6 million people) they’re giving gravity less work by stuffing their fat faces while shooting their guns and proclaiming that everything that is great about America is that you’re allowed to be a disgusting glutton not like the world has ever seen. They are everything that is wrong with this country and we all know it to be true. They are the brainchildren (for lack of a better word) of FoxNews. They are walking contradictions, making false statements that they can’t back up with any factual source. They are the reason that not only should we keep abortion legal in the Midwest, but mandatory.
Cause:
Effect:
